How to Stop The Self-Abandonment and Stay True To Yourself 

What is the Self-Abandonment Definition?

Have you ever found yourself agreeing to plans you didn’t want to make, just to avoid disappointing someone? I’ve been there too, and as a holistic anxiety therapist for women I can tell you it’s EXTREMELY common. Self-abandonment is when we ignore our own needs, desires, and feelings in favor of pleasing others or prioritizing somebody else’s needs. It’s a subtle, often unconscious act that erodes your sense of self over time and serves as a coping mechanism in response to unmet needs from significant relationships.

Recognizing and addressing self-abandonment is key to reclaiming your authentic self and living a life true to your values. It’s about breaking the cycle of neglecting your own well-being and reconnecting to who you are, what you want, need and feel and finally starting to prioritize yourself.

What Causes Self-Abandonment?

We learn self abandonment a variety of ways. Often by the time you even realize you’re doing it, it has been years of compromising your own wants and needs. You’ve lost sight of who you are, what you want and how to ask for it. Below are some of this most common causes of self abandonment.

1. Early Childhood Experiences

• Lack of Emotional Validation: If, as children, your feelings and needs were consistently ignored or dismissed, you might have learned that your needs aren’t important.
• Conditional Love and Approval: Growing up in environments where love and approval were conditional on meeting certain expectations or behaviors can cause us to prioritize others’ needs over our own to gain acceptance. This often leads to putting someone else’s needs above our own, reinforcing self-abandonment. This can establish unhealthy patterns that persist into adulthood.
• Modeling Behavior: Observing caregivers who abandon their own needs can teach us to do the same. We learn by example, and if self-neglect is the norm, we might adopt this behavior ourselves.

2. Societal and Cultural Pressures

• Gender Roles and Expectations: Society often expects women to be nurturing, selfless, and accommodating. These gender roles can pressure women into prioritizing others’ needs over their own.
• Cultural Norms: Certain cultures place a high value on self-sacrifice and putting family or community first, which can reinforce self-abandonment behaviors.
• Social Media Influence: The constant comparison and pressure to present a perfect image on social media can lead to self-abandonment as we strive to meet unrealistic standards.

3. Personal Beliefs and Mindsets

• Low Self-Worth: Believing that you are not worthy of having your needs met can drive self-abandonment. This often stems from internalized negative messages received during your formative years. This mindset can cause individuals to self abandon, neglecting their own needs and feelings.
• Fear of Rejection or Conflict: The fear of rejection or conflict can make us prioritize others’ needs to maintain harmony and avoid confrontation, leading to self-abandonment.
• Perfectionism:Perfectionists may abandon their needs in the pursuit of meeting external standards or expectations, often neglecting self-care in the process.

4. Trauma and Past Experiences

• Trauma Responses: Experiencing trauma, especially relational trauma, can cause us to dissociate from our needs as a protective mechanism. We may prioritize others to avoid re-experiencing past hurts.
• Codependency: Growing up in or being part of codependent relationships can lead to a pattern of self-abandonment, where one’s sense of self is tied to taking care of others.

5. Lack of Self-Awareness

• Disconnected from Self: A lack of self-awareness or disconnection from your own emotions and needs can make it difficult to prioritize yourself. Without self-awareness, you may not even recognize when you’re abandoning yourself.
• Busyness and Overcommitment: Living a constantly busy life with overcommitments can lead to self-abandonment, as there’s little time left for self-reflection and self-care. And spoiler alert, overcommitment and a need to stay busy is often a sign of high functioning anxiety.

The Connection Between Anxiety and Self-Abandonment

Self-abandonment is often closely linked with anxiety. When you consistently ignore your own needs, your anxiety can worsen because you start to feel out of control and disconnected from yourself. This creates a vicious cycle where neglecting your needs actually fuels the anxiety you’re trying to avoid. Understanding and soothing the nervous system is crucial in this process, as it responds to stress and anxiety, particularly in situations of self-abandonment and self-betrayal. For example, if you constantly put others first at the expense of your own wellbeing, you may start to feel overwhelmed and anxious, leading to feelings of helplessness and disempowerment. Significant changes in mindset and behavior require time and consistent effort, and don’t happen overnight.

Let me share a story that might resonate with you. I once worked with a client who constantly prioritized her friends’ demands over her own needs. She was the one everyone turned to when they needed help, but this left her feeling drained, anxious and resentful. She questioned why no one showed up for her in the ways she showed up for them. This ultimately led to her feeling isolated, resentful and angry. As we worked together, she began to recognize that her pattern of self-abandonment was directly contributing to her anxiety. By learning to set boundaries and prioritize her own needs, she was able to reduce her anxiety significantly and bonus she was able to have more meaningful friendships where she felt supported.

When you abandon yourself, you’re sending a powerful message to your subconscious that your needs don’t matter. This can create a deep sense of helplessness and loss of control, which are key drivers of anxiety. When you continuously suppress your own desires to meet others’ expectations, it can lead to a feeling of being trapped in your own life, exacerbating your anxiety and making it harder to find peace.

Signs You’re Self-Abandoning 

You might be abandoning yourself if you often feel:

• Overwhelmed and exhausted: You may constantly feel drained and like you’re running on empty, with little energy left for yourself after meeting everyone else’s needs.
• Resentful towards others: Do you ever find yourself feeling bitter or resentful towards those you’re always helping? This could be a sign that you’re giving too much of yourself and not receiving enough in return.
• Disconnected from your own feelings and desires: If you struggle to identify what you truly want or need because you’re so focused on others, this is a major indicator of self-abandonment.
• Constantly seeking validation from others: Relying on others for a sense of worth and validation, rather than trusting your own judgment, suggests that you’re not fully valuing yourself.
• Your body often signals distress when you’re abandoning yourself: Chronic fatigue, tension headaches, and digestive issues can all be physical manifestations of neglecting your own needs. Pay attention to these symptoms—they might be your body’s way of telling you that it’s time to start taking better care of yourself.
• Unable to acknowledge negative feelings: Ignoring or dismissing negative feelings can be a sign of self-abandonment. Embracing these feelings with self-compassion allows you to recognize your suffering and care for your emotional state, leading to a more liberating experience.
• Uncomfortable feelings: Suppressing uncomfortable feelings can lead to hiding your true self and neglecting personal emotional needs. Acknowledging and embracing these emotions is vital for emotional well-being and personal growth.

Self-Reflection Exercise for Self-Abandonment:

Take a moment to reflect on some of your recent decisions. Did those decisions align with your true values and desires, or were they made primarily to please others? Write down a few instances where you might have put someone else’s needs before your own, and note how that made you feel. This can help you start identifying patterns of self-abandonment.

How to Stop Self-Abandonment

1. Identify and Challenge Limiting Beliefs

Recognize Limiting Beliefs: Identify the beliefs that are causing you to prioritize others over yourself. Common beliefs include “I’m not good enough,” “I must make everyone happy,” or “My needs don’t matter.”

Challenge These Beliefs: Once you’ve identified these beliefs, challenge them by asking yourself, “Is this really true?” and “What evidence do I have that contradicts this belief?”

Replace with Positive Affirmations: Replace those limiting beliefs with empowering affirmations like, “I am deserving of care,” or “My needs are just as important as others’.”

If you like this exercise, I have a free worksheet that goes a lot more in depth, you can download it for free here.

2. Reconnect with Your Passions

Rediscover Your Interests: Take time to reconnect with activities and hobbies that bring you joy. What did you love doing as a child or before life became busy? Reintroduce these passions into your life as a way to honor your true self.

Make Time for What You Love: Prioritize these activities by scheduling them into your week, even if it’s just for 15-30 minutes. This small commitment to your own joy can have a big impact on your overall well-being.

3. Practice Assertiveness

Communicate Your Needs: Practice expressing your needs clearly and assertively without guilt. Start with small, everyday situations, such as asking for help with a task or requesting alone time.

Use “I” Statements: Frame your requests using “I” statements, such as “I need some time to recharge after work” or “I feel overwhelmed when I don’t have enough time for myself.”

Stand Firm: If someone tries to guilt-trip or push back, stand firm in your decision. Remind yourself that your needs are important and that you have the right to prioritize them.

4. Set Boundaries

Learn to say no and set limits that protect your well-being. It’s okay to prioritize your needs. Start by practicing saying no in low-stakes situations to build your confidence. Remember, saying no to others often means saying yes to yourself. For example, if a friend asks you to help with something that you’re too tired to do, practice politely declining and offer to help at another time when you have more energy.

5. Set Realistic Expectations

Challenge Perfectionism: Now you might be thinking, hey I’m not a perfectionist, but this might also look like having really high or unrealistic expectations for yourself and others. Give yourself permission to be imperfect. Understand that it’s okay to make mistakes and that you don’t have to be everything to everyone.

Break Tasks into Manageable Steps: When faced with overwhelming tasks or expectations, break them down into smaller, more manageable steps. This approach can reduce anxiety and prevent you from abandoning your needs in the process.

6. Practice Self-Compassion

Treat Yourself with Kindness: When you slip up or revert to old patterns of self-abandonment, be kind to yourself. Instead of criticizing yourself, acknowledge your efforts and remind yourself that change takes time.

Forgive Yourself: Understand that self-abandonment is a learned behavior, often ingrained from years of conditioning. Forgive yourself for past instances and focus on the positive steps you’re taking now. As adults, we have the ability to consciously choose to re-parent ourselves, nurturing inner confidence and allowing for difficult emotions to be acknowledged.

Validate your feelings: When you acknowledge and accept your emotions without judgment, you send a powerful message to yourself that your experiences and needs are important. By learning to self-validate and giving your feelings the recognition they deserve, you build a stronger connection with your true self, making it easier to prioritize your well-being and honor your needs.

7. Practice Self Awareness 

Make time to check in: Regularly check in with your feelings and needs. Journaling can be a great tool for this. Spend a few minutes each day writing down your thoughts and emotions. Ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” and see what comes up. This simple practice can help you become more attuned to your own needs and desires.

Tune into Physical Cues: Pay attention to your body’s signals, such as fatigue, tension, or stomach issues, which may indicate you’re neglecting your needs. Use these signals as reminders to pause and check in with yourself.

Practice Mindful Movement: Engage in activities like yoga, tai chi, or gentle stretching to reconnect with your body. These practices not only help you become more aware of your physical state but also promote relaxation and self-care. I have a whole blog post with all of my favorite yoga for anxiety, if you want an easy place to start.

Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness can help you stay present and aware of your needs. Try incorporating short meditation sessions into your daily routine. Even just five minutes of deep breathing or guided meditation can help you reconnect with yourself and your inner voice. This practice can be especially helpful when you’re feeling overwhelmed or uncertain about what you need.

8. Prioritize Self-Care 

Self-Care Routine: Develop a self-care routine that prioritizes your mental and physical health. Incorporate activities that recharge you, whether it’s a hobby, exercise, or quiet time. Make self-care non-negotiable, just like any other important task on your to-do list. For example, you could set aside time each morning for a walk, meditation, or simply enjoying a cup of tea in silence before starting your day. Remember, practicing self-love by setting boundaries and engaging in self-care activities is essential for emotional well-being.

Schedule Downtime: Make rest and recovery a non-negotiable part of your routine. Schedule downtime, whether it’s a short nap, a relaxing bath, or simply doing nothing for a while.

Quality Sleep: Ensure you’re getting enough quality sleep. Create a bedtime routine that helps you unwind, such as turning off screens an hour before bed, reading a book, or practicing deep breathing exercises.

9. Celebrate Your Wins

Acknowledge Progress: Regularly take time to acknowledge and celebrate your progress, no matter how small. This could be as simple as writing down a few things you did for yourself each day or treating yourself to something special when you reach a milestone.

Reward Yourself: Create a reward system where you treat yourself to something you enjoy after achieving a goal related to self-care or boundary-setting. This reinforces positive behavior and encourages you to keep going.

10. Seek Support:

Consider therapy or support groups to help navigate this journey. Talking to a therapist who specializes in working with things like high functioning anxiety, people pleasing and self-abandonment is key. It can provide a safe space to explore your patterns and develop healthier habits. If you live in California and want to work with a therapist who gets it, you can schedule a free intro call here. 

Conclusion

Reclaiming your true self is a journey. It’s about embracing who you are, unapologetically. It’s okay to prioritize your needs and desires—you deserve to live a life that feels authentic and fulfilling. Remember, the more you honor yourself, the more you can genuinely give to others without feeling depleted. Self-abandonment can deeply affect our mental health, but by recognizing the signs and taking steps to honor our true selves, we can reclaim our authenticity. It might feel daunting to try to tackle this all at once. Start today by taking a small step towards honoring your true self. What’s one thing you can do today to prioritize your own needs?

If you’re ready to stop self-abandonment and start prioritizing your well-being, I’m here to help. As a holistic anxiety therapist based in California, I specialize in helping women like you learn to reconnect with their true selves. Together, we can work to break the cycle of self-neglect and build a life that honors your needs and desires. Reach out today to schedule a consultation and take the first step towards a more fulfilling, balanced life.